Our Lord is Gentle

Yes, our God is Almighty, Creator, Sovereign, Omniscient. The words to explain God’s infinite power in all things are many—and each one is true. But God is also our Shepherd, our Daddy. He has Compassion for His children. He Guides us and Cares for us, sometimes in ways that we cannot see. Sometimes He is Gentle, and He opens our eyes to see His care. So was the case when He showed us that Keightie-James life on this earth was meant to be only for a moment.

Now as I look back on the course of my pregnancy with Keightie-James, I see the signs—a pregnancy test at 6 weeks that didn’t turn positive very quickly or convincingly. I actually went back to the test and pondered over it because it had taken so long to turn, so long in fact that John had pronounced it a negative test. But then the + began to show itself, not a strong positive line, but a line none the less, so I must be pregnant. There was the minor nausea. Who wants to be sick?!?! Not I!! So a pregnancy where I was not debilitatingly sick seemed to be a blessing. I said I was “just sick enough to believe the baby was fine.” But the day I was 12 weeks along, the bleeding began.

Actually, the slightest bit of blood showed itself on Friday, the day before I was 12 weeks, but to become concerned about so slight a bit of blood would be paranoid and all my former pregnancies were normal—7 previous conceptions and 7 sweet baby darlings still roam my home and let me give them “mama lovin’” so why should I be concerned about such a little bit of blood? But now I realize it was the mucus plug beginning to detach.

Not wanting to choose to be alarmed over something that is seen as quite normal, I continued about my usual business on Friday. Saturday morning was unusually busy. It was Joey’s first day to work for/with one of our elders, Mr. Sangsland, so I took him over there at 8am. By 10am, ErikaLeigh and I were attending a Tea in honor of a friend and her new baby, Amy & Drew. It was such a delight to be with the other ladies in the church, to pray for Drew and for his family, that he would come to know the Lord at an early age and that the Lord would enable Amy and Gary to parent Drew and Luke well.

I came home, planning to head right back out again with Julia. Her shoes broke as we were just completing our last shopping trip with frozen and refrigerated foods already packed in the cart, so we asked her to wait—and I was preparing to take her immediately to get some new shoes. One quick stop in the bathroom before we go—but the bright red blood that I found was unsettling. I climbed in bed and called everything off. “I’m not going anywhere,” I said to everyone who came to check on me. I was sure I was over-reacting, but a life was in danger and I was willing to be overly careful to protect the baby I carried.

It was sobering though, for John as well as for me. I acknowledged to our Lord that if this baby was soon to be face-to-face with our Savior, Jesus Himself, what a blessing that would be for our little one. But I still asked to keep our baby, if it was His will, and I was willing to be on bedrest for six months if that was what was required. John said his own prayers that I only heard about later. He asked that the Lord would either take the baby that day, or let us carry this little one to term. Maybe He did take her spirit that day. I was still nauseous as of Saturday but never noticed any tummy upset after that. But I’m grateful that the labor did not come that day. Our Lord was Gentle with me, letting the reality of our situation show itself over the better part of a week.

By the evening, the blood was looking old and I was relieved, even excited. In the morning, it looked older and sparser, another good sign. In the “overly careful” mode, I stayed home from church. Joey and Julia stayed with me and cared for my every whim. But as I thought I was being overly careful, I was sure that propping myself up on my elbow to eat some cereal would not be a problem, but it seemed it might be. I lay back down.

When John came home from church, he cuddled up with me, and over time I took a position leaned over on him, so I was at about a 45 degree angle. After some time I realized that I needed to go to the bathroom, and there I found the most blood I was to see before I began to labor on Wednesday night! I called my mom to ask them to pray and keep them in the loop, and I lay down. From there on, I was on my back, even trying to eat food that I could eat without lifting my head.

Over the course of the week, I spent more time secluded in my room leaving me fewer steps to the bathroom when that was necessary. I tried to remove all stress from my surroundings and my thoughts. But at least once a day I would see enough blood return to make me at least a little nervous, but as it was never as much as there had been on Sunday afternoon, I remained encouraged. It did seem at the time that if I was on complete bedrest I would be able to carry this baby to term, maybe.

So the family continued to care for me and protect me. The babies of course did not understand, but they were content, at least most of the time, to give me a hug and a bit of a snuggle before running off to their next exciting adventure. Each child cared for me differently. Gloria-Jane would climb into my arms and rest a few minutes here and there. Susanna was quick to jump up to get some Gatorade for me. George gave me a blanket for the baby and loaded me up with tiny figures to keep me company. Julia was constantly attentive to me, sitting with me while I ate and many times eating there with me when I was finished. Tirzah cared for me when others would give her the chance, or she would give me space and others the opportunity to do what they pleaded to be able to for me. Joey would come by for short, gentle hugs and run errands I requested. And ErikaLeigh sought to care for all of us, even John as he continued to try to work all the while staying close to me to do what was needed.

By Wednesday afternoon, I encouraged the family to go on to church for supper and Bible study. I was settling into the possibility of being on my back for 6 months, and they needed to have the freedom to go from time to time. As they were preparing to leave I began to cramp a bit but was sure things would settle once the house was quiet. Joey stayed with me and we started a “scary movie” I had seen before, so I hoped that it would not be upsetting. The cramping continued, so we switched to a funny movie. No let up in the cramping so I told Joey I simply needed to return to bed. But when I next went to the bathroom something fairly large passed from me and made me nervous. I looked and thought that it was simply a blood clot, but I was concerned enough to call John to let him know.

In no time, John was home and he did confirm that I had simply passed a clot. That was scary, but at least the baby still seemed to be safe. In fact, all during the week when I was no longer nauseous I thought I was feeling the baby’s movement, so I was encouraged that the baby was safe even though the bleeding had never completely stopped.

On that note, John returned to the church to get the children, and when he returned our pastor and elders came as well. Pastor Baucum, Mr. White, Mr. Desert and Mr. Sangsland all gathered around my bed to pray for me/us and anoint me with oil. The cramps did not stop, but I was content that we had done what the Lord asked us to do. I was so grateful that they were willing to come at that late hour, 8:00, even though a couple of their alarms go off at 3/3:30am!

But the cramping continued and launched into labor. I fought it for hours, but in time I began passing more clots with the blood. I went into transition, wondered if my body wanted to push, but I did not want to give birth. I was still holding out hope that I might be able to carry to term if I just hung on. Finally I told John I was going to stop fighting. I asked the Lord to care for us and determined to trust Him. John was there to care for me, and over the course of time labor stopped after I had passed a very large clot. It was so large as to lead John to say, “You’re giving birth” when he first laid eyes on it. But then he realized it was not the baby after all. Once I righted myself, though, I passed, intact, the tissue that surrounded Keightie-James. I was shocked, horrified, so much so that there was no response whatsoever. I was completely overwhelmed, but I wanted to see my baby. I wanted to know if I had been carrying a boy or a girl if there was any sign to see. But there was no visible body within the amniotic sac. Keightie-James’ body had not formed properly and was not easily recognizable.

With labor complete and my body settled, I went to sleep hoping that I might still be carrying a twin of this baby whom we had lost since I was still feeling movement within. Although I must say that by this time I was beginning to question whether I could possibly have felt the baby with such a vast amount of blood lining my uterus. But a lady I had known during my elementary school days had said that she had a complete period at 3 months with all three of her babies, so I was holding on to hope. I wanted to have an ultrasound to confirm whether or not I was still carrying a baby. I was simply in shock that the Lord might have planned for me to be post-partum without a baby in arms. But here I am.

The day following labor I did have an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. They showed an empty uterus and a cervix that had recently given birth. I am still amazed that I am here. This is something that happened to others. Now it has happened to me. But in honor of this baby’s place in our family as our eighth Kozlowski kid, K8, Keight (like “Kate”). We have named her Keightie-James, not knowing if I was carrying a boy or a girl, and we continue to carry her in our hearts as we look forward to joining her in heaven where even now she is praising Jesus face-to-face.

Keightie-James Kozlowski—October 11, 2007

DJK October 19, 2007